Crixeo: Satirical Halloween Advice

 

Demons, Succubi & Ghosts: Avoid These Supernatural Visitors This Halloween

Some call it Samhain, others All Hallow’s Eve. You may know it as Halloween, and it’s one of my favorite times of the year (and not just because my birthday is on The Day of the Dead). But whatever you call it, October 31 is believed by some to be a sacred day when the veil between the land of the living and the land of the dead is at its thinnest. Witches and mediums claim this is the perfect night for communicating with lost loved ones and interacting with the spirits of the other world. It’s also believed to be an evening where ghosts and demons reach the heights of their supernatural powers. So, for the sake of some Halloween fun, let’s see what those powers are and how you can protect yourself should you get a little too tipsy on apple cider.

Demons: The Fallen Angels

As I understand it, demons are the counterparts of angels. While angels are good and benevolent, demons are evil and malicious. These are fallen angels or, at the bare minimum, extremely evil incarnations on earth. They can appear to mankind in human, half-human, or animal form. Supposedly they’re likely to appear as goats, cats, owls or dragons. Then again, when was the last time anyone saw a dragon?

So what is it that demons do exactly? Well, they’re believed to be God-haters who can attack your body or mind, cause nightmares or general unpleasantness, play mean-spirited pranks on people, possess human beings and, on rare occasion, be somewhat helpful, depending on what you’re hoping they will do for you. According to the ancient Egyptian Book of the Dead, there are over 4.6 million demons in the world. That’s roughly the population of Ireland, or the state of Louisiana. So if you’ve been to Ireland during St. Patrick’s Day or to New Orleans on Mardi Gras, perhaps you’ve crossed paths with one. And, according to a few publications supporting the Catholic Church, exorcisms are on the rise. So what should you do if you find yourself possessed by a demon?

Back in the Middle Ages, demonic possession was often used as a blanket term for epilepsy, schizophrenia and hysteria; but let’s assume demonic possession is real and break it down with the help of the Little Giant Encyclopedia for Spells & Magic (which I personally found to be hilarious):

Signs That You Are Possessed:

  1. Your face and body are contorted.
  2. You have a fiendish expression that even close friends won’t tolerate.
  3. Your voice becomes gruff and gravelly, just like in the movies.
  4. You scream profanities against God and his angels.
  5. You begin to speak in tongues, or general gibberish, and not just for attention.

You May Also:

  • Vomit
  • Foam at the mouth
  • Make animal noises
  • Experience superhuman strength

(NOTE: These are also the symptoms of rabies, which has no cure, so I’d encourage you to seek out medical help as soon as possible.)

Ways to Avoid Demonic Possession:

  • Cover your mouth while yawning.
  • Avoid eating moldy bread, which can cause hallucinations (just ask Saint Anthony).
  • Hang green branches over the doorway.
  • Scatter flowers of a bean plant around your house.
  • Wear a peach pit necklace (yes, you can eat the peach).
  • Hold a branch of tamarisk and scatter the leaves.

(Only one of these will certainly work.)

If You Are Possessed, What Can You Do?

If a Catholic bishop, or Lorraine Warren, is unavailable, try drinking holy water out of a church bell, then eat a pinch of dead-saint dust with a bucket nearby for when you begin to puke up dung, coal, spiders, reptiles and bats. If that doesn’t work, consult your physician.

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